There are many ways that Cooper has been a blessing from God to family, friends, and strangers. His smile can melt your heart, his eyes are big and curious - wanting to learn more, and his gentle voice can calm any storm. Yes, I'd say Cooper has a special gift of showing compassion, love, encouragement and strength.
Yes, strength! As a quick recap, Cooper has Congenital Neutropenia which means that his bone marrow does not produce one specific set of white blood cells as it should. This specific group are the ones that help to fight off illness and infections. Within the last 2 years, we have been cleared from having to visit the hematologist/oncologist because it seemed as though his bone marrow had begun to work as it should. During all of the tests and labs, Cooper showed strength, trust, and a calm spirit, which was a great reminder to me every time I saw him showing these traits.
Mother's Intuition....are you familiar with is? It is such a powerful tool that I thank God for everyday! Cooper got strep throat around Christmas time this year. For most, this would mean a round of antibiotics and some rest and liquids and 10 days later, you're back to normal. The same rang true a bit for Cooper. He started antibiotics, which 5 days later woke up with an intense reaction from. Antibiotics were stopped, and we continued with the rest and liquids. He got over strep routinely which is a blessing. Although, he began to complain about his ears, eyes, throat, stomach, and nose on a weekly basis. Some weeks it was only one of those, some weeks it was multiple ones. About a month later he had another high fever but for some reason, there were no answers. Strep and flu test came back negative. Must be a virus right? It could have been....but my mother's intuition began to kick in. Something didn't feel right.
But, the fever went away and his energy came back, so we went back to life as usual. Soon though, low grade fevers began to present themselves, body aches, and sinus/allergy issues. I decided that tests needed to be run, even if they all came back showing nothing was wrong, at least I could know that everything was okay.
So, here's what we know.....from his sinus xray, pretty much, he has an intense sinus infections. Because he's allergic to 3 types of antibiotics, he is on a very high dose of a strong antibiotic.
We are waiting for results from his CBC and Immune Panel. Those results should be in on Monday and will help to tell us what his bone marrow and white blood cells are doing.
His Pedi did find one other concern while we were there. I don't know much into this area of what she's talking about, so I seem to have more questions than answers. The Pedi found that he has somewhat of a Bifid Uvula which isn't awful, although it could mean that he has a Submucous Cleft Palate. These can be overlooked since the palate looks to be intact upon a quick examination. If he does in fact have a Submucous Cleft Palate, this could mean more frequent sinus infections, ear infections, etc.
I will learn more next week upon talking in more detail with the Pedi.
So for now, I sit and relive the emotions and fears of the unknown, the promise and strength from God to watch over my children, and the reminder to not take any moment of my time with my children for granted. I thank God that my son can play baseball, can run and ride his bike, can learn and obtain information, can love and show compassion. I thank God that he can laugh and play and enjoy the little things in life. I thank God that my son can ask questions about Jesus living in his heart and wanting to share his joy for Jesus and love with those that he meets.
Please pray that:
*His antibiotic does not make him sick to his stomach or that he becomes allergic to it as well.
*That he is able to hear again, speak clearly, and breath better as the infection leaves
*That the results from his CBC and Immune Panel are clear and that the Dr's will know what the next course of action is, if any is needed at all.
*That answers are given for the palate issue. That all possibilities are looked at and that a decision can be made together by all parties involved (that would mean, that the Dr's would understand that I don't sit back quietly...I want to be involved in the course of action that is decided on)
Friday, April 5, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
Memories and Love
Tomorrow marks the day that my best friend passed away two years ago. Two years later and I can still feel the shock, the loss of words, and the denial that took over every ounce of my body when I heard the news.
Yes, it has become easier to live each day, the tears stopped falling every day except for when certain songs, like Kenny Chesney's "You Had Me From Hello" that we sang karaoke to, or Lee Brice's "I Drive Your Truck" comes on the radio. Your memories bring more smiles than tears to my days. Your name still comes up in daily talk with the kids, I am determined to have Cooper know how great of a man you were, how much you cared about those around you, and how much you loved every part of life.
I've found myself wanting to call you more and more lately for advice, laughs, or to gripe about relationships. You were the only one I could be completely open with and know that you would still love me despite whatever I said. We never had to worry about if our advice would hurt each others feelings because honestly, even in our fights, our love and friendship were still strong.
I'm sure you would be proud of the strength I have regained throughout the past 2 years. Your words of encouragement and strength are still in my memory. I remember your hugs, the safety and comfort that flowed through your arms. I miss your hugs. There is no one else that will probably ever be able to call me "sweetheart" again. "Nickle" or "Nick" are completely off limits as you are the only person that I've every allowed to call me those nicknames, or nicknames in general.
Even though it has become easier to live each day again, I know that I will never forget you. You are mentioned to anyone that becomes an important part of my life. Your memory and legacy will live on.
As Cooper was asking questions the other day about Heaven and who we will see, he asked about you. It brought comfort back in a moment of sadness, knowing that one day I will see you again. One day I will be able to hug you again and hear those special words "Hello Sweetheart"
I Love You dearly Cody Burns!
Yes, it has become easier to live each day, the tears stopped falling every day except for when certain songs, like Kenny Chesney's "You Had Me From Hello" that we sang karaoke to, or Lee Brice's "I Drive Your Truck" comes on the radio. Your memories bring more smiles than tears to my days. Your name still comes up in daily talk with the kids, I am determined to have Cooper know how great of a man you were, how much you cared about those around you, and how much you loved every part of life.
I've found myself wanting to call you more and more lately for advice, laughs, or to gripe about relationships. You were the only one I could be completely open with and know that you would still love me despite whatever I said. We never had to worry about if our advice would hurt each others feelings because honestly, even in our fights, our love and friendship were still strong.
I'm sure you would be proud of the strength I have regained throughout the past 2 years. Your words of encouragement and strength are still in my memory. I remember your hugs, the safety and comfort that flowed through your arms. I miss your hugs. There is no one else that will probably ever be able to call me "sweetheart" again. "Nickle" or "Nick" are completely off limits as you are the only person that I've every allowed to call me those nicknames, or nicknames in general.
Even though it has become easier to live each day again, I know that I will never forget you. You are mentioned to anyone that becomes an important part of my life. Your memory and legacy will live on.
As Cooper was asking questions the other day about Heaven and who we will see, he asked about you. It brought comfort back in a moment of sadness, knowing that one day I will see you again. One day I will be able to hug you again and hear those special words "Hello Sweetheart"
I Love You dearly Cody Burns!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
I'm scared....
It's been a long time coming (as far as being said...so here it goes)
I'm scared about being a single mom.....there I said it!
My emotions have been getting the best of me, I feel sad, disappointed, lonely, excited about my future, scared about my future, intimidated, nervous, mad, glad, forgotten. There are so many wonderful things going on in my life that I feel as if I am cheating myself for feeling these feelings, for focusing on the crummy parts of life sometimes and not the blessing and happy times.
While my fears take me to the thought of having a hardened heart, a closed mind, and a lack of trust when it comes to relationships, I step back to realize that my bigger fear is not being able to give my children everything that I wanted to give them in a family environment. I find it easy to put the emotions on other things, because as a mom, I never want to admit that I sometimes don't think I can hack it. To show that sign of weakness would prove that I'm in over my head. But am I? I am a strong believer that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. So while I question how much He has given me, I have to believe that He knows my fears, my struggles, and my worries. He knows where I crumble, where I "lose it", and where I feel I can't handle anymore. He knows my wants, desires, and needs. He knows me inside and out, so why is it so hard to release my grip of control and instead trust Him?
I never really thought I would be at this place where the past would stay in the past, and a new chapter, new adventure would be waiting for me. My prayer, my hope, and my desire is for me to embrace the new chapter. To not fear what is ahead, but instead to look forward to the new adventures that will come. It's a sad day when a door closes, it's a chapter of life that will never be had again. It's one that I have been avoiding making public for a while, keeping myself busy as to not focus on the fact that that chapter is over, the door is closed.
Pray with me for peace, happiness, and comfort, as I feel those are the biggest areas of my daily life that seem to get rocked with the slightest change. Pray that my children will always feel loved, supported, and cared for. And pray that I not rush into anything just because I may be alone, scared, or sad.
God's plans will ALWAYS be bigger than mine!
I'm scared about being a single mom.....there I said it!
My emotions have been getting the best of me, I feel sad, disappointed, lonely, excited about my future, scared about my future, intimidated, nervous, mad, glad, forgotten. There are so many wonderful things going on in my life that I feel as if I am cheating myself for feeling these feelings, for focusing on the crummy parts of life sometimes and not the blessing and happy times.
While my fears take me to the thought of having a hardened heart, a closed mind, and a lack of trust when it comes to relationships, I step back to realize that my bigger fear is not being able to give my children everything that I wanted to give them in a family environment. I find it easy to put the emotions on other things, because as a mom, I never want to admit that I sometimes don't think I can hack it. To show that sign of weakness would prove that I'm in over my head. But am I? I am a strong believer that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. So while I question how much He has given me, I have to believe that He knows my fears, my struggles, and my worries. He knows where I crumble, where I "lose it", and where I feel I can't handle anymore. He knows my wants, desires, and needs. He knows me inside and out, so why is it so hard to release my grip of control and instead trust Him?
I never really thought I would be at this place where the past would stay in the past, and a new chapter, new adventure would be waiting for me. My prayer, my hope, and my desire is for me to embrace the new chapter. To not fear what is ahead, but instead to look forward to the new adventures that will come. It's a sad day when a door closes, it's a chapter of life that will never be had again. It's one that I have been avoiding making public for a while, keeping myself busy as to not focus on the fact that that chapter is over, the door is closed.
Pray with me for peace, happiness, and comfort, as I feel those are the biggest areas of my daily life that seem to get rocked with the slightest change. Pray that my children will always feel loved, supported, and cared for. And pray that I not rush into anything just because I may be alone, scared, or sad.
God's plans will ALWAYS be bigger than mine!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
To Do What I Love
It's only taken me 6 years post college to find what I love and do it! I'd say that's not bad considering that some people go throughout their entire life trying to figure out what they love to do and then struggle to find a way to do it and still make a living.
I can only say that I am blessed. I am so blessed to have found what I love AND be good at it....or at least good enough for others to believe in me and my abilities.
About four years ago I stepped into my first "Group Fitness Class" not knowing what to expect as far as if I would be embarrassed, accepted, or even be good at anything the class was doing. I was about 11 months post partum with Cooper at that point and still carried pregnancy weight that I so desperately wanted to loose. The first class I ever took was BodyFlow, which is a combination of Yoga, Pilates, and Tai Chi in an "athletic" form. I made it through the class but barely broke a sweat. I remember coming home and thinking that I would rather lift weights than do that class again because I didn't get a good "sweat" out of it! Little did I know that the next morning I would hurt in places that I had forgotten could hurt! At that moment, I was sold on GGX Classes. I planned my days and weeks around the classes that I would attend. I enjoyed the music, the members, and the encouragement from the instructor, even though in my mind I swore she didn't even know I was a regular attendee of her class. (Side note - now that I am an instructor... I KNOW my regulars, I love getting to know them, their families, and their journey in their health and fitness. That's one of the best parts of my job! So, looking back, she "knew" me even if we never had long, meaningful discussions.)
Fast forward to 9 months post partum with Aubrey. My running training had started and I quickly realized that I needed to get back into stretching on a regular basis. I became a "regular" again in BodyFlow since I already had my cardio taken care of. After a few months of being a "regular", I heard of a training that was being held in town to become certified to teach BodyFlow.
What a blessing it was and is that I made that decision to get certified. I am now certified in multiple programs with the intent to certify in additional ones to teach other formats. In addition to seeing member's lives change through their journey to become healthier and happier, I too have become happier and healthier! (An added bonus to all of this is that I am finally down to my pre pregnancy weight, i.e. college weight!)
I love the people I work with and the opportunities that I have been given to further this as a career. I'm two weeks into my position as a GGX Manager and couldn't be happier! I always knew that I wanted to go back to work when my kids were in school, and because of some recent changes, it was more of a necessity for me to get back into working. BUT, I never had the desire to go back into a desk job, working M-F 8-5.
I'm happy, healthy, and "hopefully" am blessing other people's lives through what I do. Doors have opened, relationships have been made, and opportunities have become a career....all because I made that first step into my first ever GGX class!
I can only say that I am blessed. I am so blessed to have found what I love AND be good at it....or at least good enough for others to believe in me and my abilities.
About four years ago I stepped into my first "Group Fitness Class" not knowing what to expect as far as if I would be embarrassed, accepted, or even be good at anything the class was doing. I was about 11 months post partum with Cooper at that point and still carried pregnancy weight that I so desperately wanted to loose. The first class I ever took was BodyFlow, which is a combination of Yoga, Pilates, and Tai Chi in an "athletic" form. I made it through the class but barely broke a sweat. I remember coming home and thinking that I would rather lift weights than do that class again because I didn't get a good "sweat" out of it! Little did I know that the next morning I would hurt in places that I had forgotten could hurt! At that moment, I was sold on GGX Classes. I planned my days and weeks around the classes that I would attend. I enjoyed the music, the members, and the encouragement from the instructor, even though in my mind I swore she didn't even know I was a regular attendee of her class. (Side note - now that I am an instructor... I KNOW my regulars, I love getting to know them, their families, and their journey in their health and fitness. That's one of the best parts of my job! So, looking back, she "knew" me even if we never had long, meaningful discussions.)
Fast forward to 9 months post partum with Aubrey. My running training had started and I quickly realized that I needed to get back into stretching on a regular basis. I became a "regular" again in BodyFlow since I already had my cardio taken care of. After a few months of being a "regular", I heard of a training that was being held in town to become certified to teach BodyFlow.
What a blessing it was and is that I made that decision to get certified. I am now certified in multiple programs with the intent to certify in additional ones to teach other formats. In addition to seeing member's lives change through their journey to become healthier and happier, I too have become happier and healthier! (An added bonus to all of this is that I am finally down to my pre pregnancy weight, i.e. college weight!)
I love the people I work with and the opportunities that I have been given to further this as a career. I'm two weeks into my position as a GGX Manager and couldn't be happier! I always knew that I wanted to go back to work when my kids were in school, and because of some recent changes, it was more of a necessity for me to get back into working. BUT, I never had the desire to go back into a desk job, working M-F 8-5.
I'm happy, healthy, and "hopefully" am blessing other people's lives through what I do. Doors have opened, relationships have been made, and opportunities have become a career....all because I made that first step into my first ever GGX class!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Mommy Bragging Moment!
Here it comes....a Mommy Bragging Moment!
Let's start from the top! Cooper LOVES school! Seriously. He even told me yesterday, "Mommy, did you know that we learn ALL DAY at school?" He was very very serious as he told me this. I smiled...I love that kid.
He told me about how his color stayed on blue all day long and how he was going to keep it on blue all year! He explained that blue meant that he was super, duper, duper, duper, good. Apparently all of the girls stayed on the color blue, but only another little boy and himself stayed on blue also. All of the other boys had their color changed, so they had to sit at the table and not talk at all. When asked how Cooper felt about being with all the girls, he shrugged his shoulders and said "I'm okay with it, it doesn't bother me." Of course not!
During the day, a little boy called Cooper a name. This was big news that Cooper shared with me when I picked him up. When he told me this, immediately my heart stared beating faster...my first thought was "Seriously, we put you in private school to try to AVOID this!" So, I asked many more questions. For whatever reason, this boy called Cooper a "mint"...now if you know what the meaning of using this in a name calling sense is, please share with me. Cooper told another boy who then told on the little boy. None of this really seemed to phase Cooper, but he still needed to share it with me.
So, overall a good first day! He was excited to do his homework and was ready to go back to school today.
This morning as I dropped Cooper off at school, his teacher stopped me with a look of concern on her face. I thought she was going to tell me about the little boy that called Cooper a name yesterday, so I was prepared to hear that maybe Cooper had not been as innocent as he described in his story, instead it was because she wanted me to know that "I have a very sweet boy and that she is so happy to have him in class" At first I couldn't help but think that she is probably saying this to all of the parents, which is very sweet. But then, she kept bragging about how great of a kid he is. Her eyes even teared up at one point. The personality of his teacher and of Cooper are a great match. I know that they will get along very well. The best part is, I think it will help to build his excitement about learning even more.
Day three is tomorrow, here's to praying that the excitement for school sticks around and that each day gets even better.
Let's start from the top! Cooper LOVES school! Seriously. He even told me yesterday, "Mommy, did you know that we learn ALL DAY at school?" He was very very serious as he told me this. I smiled...I love that kid.
He told me about how his color stayed on blue all day long and how he was going to keep it on blue all year! He explained that blue meant that he was super, duper, duper, duper, good. Apparently all of the girls stayed on the color blue, but only another little boy and himself stayed on blue also. All of the other boys had their color changed, so they had to sit at the table and not talk at all. When asked how Cooper felt about being with all the girls, he shrugged his shoulders and said "I'm okay with it, it doesn't bother me." Of course not!
During the day, a little boy called Cooper a name. This was big news that Cooper shared with me when I picked him up. When he told me this, immediately my heart stared beating faster...my first thought was "Seriously, we put you in private school to try to AVOID this!" So, I asked many more questions. For whatever reason, this boy called Cooper a "mint"...now if you know what the meaning of using this in a name calling sense is, please share with me. Cooper told another boy who then told on the little boy. None of this really seemed to phase Cooper, but he still needed to share it with me.
So, overall a good first day! He was excited to do his homework and was ready to go back to school today.
This morning as I dropped Cooper off at school, his teacher stopped me with a look of concern on her face. I thought she was going to tell me about the little boy that called Cooper a name yesterday, so I was prepared to hear that maybe Cooper had not been as innocent as he described in his story, instead it was because she wanted me to know that "I have a very sweet boy and that she is so happy to have him in class" At first I couldn't help but think that she is probably saying this to all of the parents, which is very sweet. But then, she kept bragging about how great of a kid he is. Her eyes even teared up at one point. The personality of his teacher and of Cooper are a great match. I know that they will get along very well. The best part is, I think it will help to build his excitement about learning even more.
Day three is tomorrow, here's to praying that the excitement for school sticks around and that each day gets even better.
Friday, July 27, 2012
He's Got The Whole World, In His Hands
"My God made ALL of that?" That is the question that was asked by C tonight while we watched the 2012 Summer Olympic Opening Ceremonies.
I too remember being in awe of the Olympics as a young child. Even tonight, I still got chills thinking how cool it is for so many countries to participate in the games.
So as we watched the opening ceremonies, there was a lot of explaining to do for the kids so they could understand a bit of what was going on. It's hard for a young child to understand the magnitude of how big and neat the Olympics are, so when the ceremony went to showing children from all 4 parts of the UK singing, I made a comment that those places were so pretty. That statement was then followed with "and God made all of it."
Immediately, Cooper stared at the TV even harder and asked (without taking his eyes from the TV), "My God made ALL of that? That's awesome!" Then a bit of a pause, followed by "Wow!" I stared at him for a bit to take in the amazed look on his face. He was in AWE of HIS GOD!
While I want to type more on this tonight, I am so tired. But, I wanted to share this amazing moment with my dear son. As we go through watching the next three weeks of the Olympics, I hope that more amazing moments will happen. I hope that my children can watch as athletes compete and work hard, showing that through hard work and discipline, dreams can come true. I am so excited about this fun time....for now, I go to sleep!
I too remember being in awe of the Olympics as a young child. Even tonight, I still got chills thinking how cool it is for so many countries to participate in the games.
So as we watched the opening ceremonies, there was a lot of explaining to do for the kids so they could understand a bit of what was going on. It's hard for a young child to understand the magnitude of how big and neat the Olympics are, so when the ceremony went to showing children from all 4 parts of the UK singing, I made a comment that those places were so pretty. That statement was then followed with "and God made all of it."
Immediately, Cooper stared at the TV even harder and asked (without taking his eyes from the TV), "My God made ALL of that? That's awesome!" Then a bit of a pause, followed by "Wow!" I stared at him for a bit to take in the amazed look on his face. He was in AWE of HIS GOD!
While I want to type more on this tonight, I am so tired. But, I wanted to share this amazing moment with my dear son. As we go through watching the next three weeks of the Olympics, I hope that more amazing moments will happen. I hope that my children can watch as athletes compete and work hard, showing that through hard work and discipline, dreams can come true. I am so excited about this fun time....for now, I go to sleep!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
L.I.F.E.
A year ago today, my best friend passed away. I can still feel the trembling in my body as the news was verified and the reality slowly began to sink in. It is so hard to believe that it has now been a little over a year since the last time I heard "Hello sweetheart" on the other end of the phone.
I have learned a lot over the last year, even at times when I didn't want to. I learned that it's okay to cry, to mourn, and to withdrawal for a while. I learned that it's okay to be mad at the situation, at the loss, and even at God. I learned that its okay if it takes a while to not cry or choke up when talking about the great person you were. I learned that it was okay to shed a tear when watching Cooper interact with one of his best girl friends the way that we used to play, joke, and love the time spent together. Making it through an entire day without crying took a while....and I learned that that was okay. It was okay to not be strong for a time in my life when I needed to be weak, vulnerable, and allow myself to work through the morning process.
One of the biggest lessons that I was reminded of though, was to live life to the fullest EVERY DAY! Life is too short to be spent criticizing others, holding grudges, in negativity, and in jealousy. Life is better spent embracing what the day brings as a chance for growth, laughter, lessons, and fond memories.
I can't really explain the feelings of loosing a best friend. But, I thank the Lord for bringing me closer to friendships, bringing new friendships into my life, and reminding me of the love that is shared throughout all of us who had the privilege to know Cody and have our lives touched by him.
So while today is a tough day, I know that Cody is smiling down on us and that one day, I will get to see him again, hugging his neck and hear "Hello sweetheart" one more time.
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