I'm scared....

It's been a long time coming (as far as being said...so here it goes)

I'm scared about being a single mom.....there I said it! 

My emotions have been getting the best of me, I feel sad, disappointed, lonely, excited about my future, scared about my future, intimidated, nervous, mad, glad, forgotten.  There are so many wonderful things going on in my life that I feel as if I am cheating myself for feeling these feelings, for focusing on the crummy parts of life sometimes and not the blessing and happy times.

While my fears take me to the thought of having a hardened heart, a closed mind, and a lack of trust when it comes to relationships, I step back to realize that my bigger fear is not being able to give my children everything that I wanted to give them in a family environment.  I find it easy to put the emotions on other things, because as a mom, I never want to admit that I sometimes don't think I can hack it.  To show that sign of weakness would prove that I'm in over my head.  But am I?  I am a strong believer that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  So while I question how much He has given me, I have to believe that He knows my fears, my struggles, and my worries.  He knows where I crumble, where I "lose it", and where I feel I can't handle anymore.  He knows my wants, desires, and needs.  He knows me inside and out, so why is it so hard to release my grip of control and instead trust Him? 

I never really thought I would be at this place where the past would stay in the past, and a new chapter, new adventure would be waiting for me.  My prayer, my hope, and my desire is for me to embrace the new chapter.  To not fear what is ahead, but instead to look forward to the new adventures that will come.  It's a sad day when a door closes, it's a chapter of life that will never be had again.  It's one that I have been avoiding making public for a while, keeping myself busy as to not focus on the fact that that chapter is over, the door is closed. 

Pray with me for peace, happiness, and comfort, as I feel those are the biggest areas of my daily life that seem to get rocked with the slightest change.  Pray that my children will always feel loved, supported, and cared for.  And pray that I not rush into anything just because I may be alone, scared, or sad. 

God's plans will ALWAYS be bigger than mine!