Where is the Monster?

So I sit here at this moment feeling sad inside. Although I can't decide if I should feel sad, happy, or indifferent to this matter. I thought when confronted with this matter I would be so happy to be free, not so badly needed anymore, and able to move on to the next stage in our life. I knew this day would come and I knew that it was for the better of everyone and everything for this day to come. But I didn't think I would deal with it like this.

What is the matter? I'll tell you.....

I have raised a full out "booby monster" to say the least. There were days that I thought Cooper could have nursed all day long if I would have let him. It was my secret weapon to getting him to sleep for naps and bedtime. If he hurt himself and wouldn't settle down....the secret weapon would calm his pains. We didn't sleep through the night the first year of Cooper's life b/c he was so bent on having his midnight snack (and 4am snack as well!).

There were days when I hated the fact that he was nursing...."why does he have to be with ME all the time?" I used to think. Or better yet, I used to wish so much that he would have taken a bottle so that Randell could have fed him or so that Cooper could have stayed with Nana & Papi over night. When mastitis appeared TWICE....I wanted to quit so bad. I was in pain, had no strength to go on, and yet STILL felt like a cow!

We kept going though. I used to say "I'll only nurse for a year and then he's going to be weaned!" Randell and I would be amazed (and bewildered) at the fact of someone nursing a 13,14,15,16 month old. My my how we have changed!

So, why am I so upset right now? What happened to get me to thinking about this? Well you see, our bedtime routine with Cooper is this:

Dinner
Quiet Playtime
Bath
Lotion massage
PJ's
NURSE & prayers
Reading time w/ Daddy
Crib

Tonight after we had him in his PJ's, I sat down in the "nursing chair" and asked Cooper if he was ready to nurse.....I know, I know, at this age if he can answer me then we shouldn't be nursing right? I AGREE....but it's much harder than just agreeing.

So he looked at me and ran to get a book and then went to his "big boy bed" (he's still sleeping in the crib, but we're getting him used to it). So I asked again, and again, AND again. Finally he came to me but maybe nursed for 3 minutes total. I wanted to start crying then. It's not that I want to nurse a 3 year old or anything, but I LOVE this cuddle time. He's such an active child that I rarely get to just hold him and cuddle. And I know that one day there will be another baby to nurse, and I'm sure I'll have the same feelings (good and bad) for it then too.

Maybe it's just the knowledge that Cooper's growing up and before we know it he'll be graduating high school and going off to A&M. Whatever it is, I'm sad. I know I should be happy that I didn't have to "wean" him so much that I would anger him like some parents end up having to resort to.

We'll see how tomorrow goes, but I'm realizing that the days of nursing are dwendling down very quickly and I'm just not ready yet!